Thursday, November 5, 2015

Spiraling Inward and Outward


 I live in the movement of the spiral. I circle around similar themes in my life and each time they come around I go deeper and find more puzzle pieces. Sometimes I live out loud, full of expression and outward motion. Other times I withdraw into my own cocoon to grow, expand. Spiraling deeper and wider with each circle.

The time within nourishes and fuels the outer expression. The outer expression encourages deeper reflection in my time within.

I go into times of inner growth thinking that I'm going to share my process of learning and growing. Yet, each time in the midst of it all I feel too raw and tender to open it to the world.

So here I am spiraling back out of the depths of an intense, incredible period of growth and self understanding. Ready to share, ready to shine again.

I have been building a foundation for four years to make money doing something I love and makes me feel radiant. In the beginning, I learned that it has something to do with helping others connect with their own creativity and intuition.

I fell in love with Laura Hollick's Soul Art process and became certified as a Soul Art Guide.

I took Connie Solera's Ignite: Fearless Painting Teacher Training class which created much of that foundation through embodying the artist title, deepening my own creativity and expression, making friends with my past, and welcoming my passion and devotion into my life in new ways.

When I signed up for the Laura Hollick's Nü Icon program the end of last year I thought I would be launching something from that foundation. Instead I found myself down in the mud and muck beneath my foundation, digging out and letting go of the unneeded junk, and growing deeper roots for a much more stable foundation.

I've learned so very much about myself. I've had tremendous growth.

I discovered that after my biological father left at a young age I had put up a wall to protect myself from receiving such crushing hurt by anyone else. This has distanced me from pain but also from deep fulfilling connection with others, leaving me feeling alone in the world.

I worked to dismantle the wall but in doing so felt raw and exposed. I felt so much. I was a wreck in public places with so much people energy swirling around me.

I withdrew further into my own inner world and found strong emotions. Sadness flowed from me. Resentment. Anger. More sadness. I felt stuck in their grip. I sought help from my naturopathic doctor. He explained how to integrate my emotion.We're often taught by society to contain, hide, or suppress our emotions. "No one wants to see your messy emotions" we hear. Yet it's such an important part of human existence. Once you listen to and honor one emotion, they all want some attention. So I let them flow, acknowledged them, thanked them for the gifts they were bringing.

While in that intimate inner space I also found separation within myself. The scenes of a childhood experience came to mind: camping in a powerful, torrential rainstorm with lightening and thunder crashing all around me. I realized that the feelings of fear in those moments caused feelings of being unsafe in my body and in this world and separation from my own power.

Soon after these realizations, I was gifted with an opportunity: experiencing a similar powerful storm with more wisdom and insight than I had during that childhood storm. I stood out in the pouring rain, facing fear, visualizing inner connection and integration, recognizing the beauty of Earth's power, and claiming my own power.

Such healing, understanding, and growth have come from these experiences!Now that so much has been cleared, healed and integrated, the last couple months have been all about true inner connection.

Communion with the Essence part of myself that is so wise, loving, compassionate, joyful, radiant, passionate, playful, and centered. She has the answers and direction to everything I need and desire. She's inside me, She IS me.

I'm learning to love Her, trust Her, value Her, honor Her more deeply.

I've found that's really what my whole journey is about and what I'm here to share with others: true reverence for Self.